Being intentional

 I had a friend of mine send me this quote from uchtdolf "discipleship is not about doing things perfectly; it’s about doing things intentionally." This means a few things first, we should know why we are doing what we are. Don't just go with the flow or what is easier, go with what you honestly believe. Second, know why do you believe or not believe something. Be able to defend the faith. I personally love being able to hear another person who can defend what they believe, especially if it's different than what I believe. I see so many people who just go with the flow instead of asking what they believe and following through with their believes. 

We are to be Christ's church so what does that mean? First, we need to be examples in all that we do. We don't need to be perfect, but we should be asking ourselves if others knew that I was a member what would they believe the church taught? Would they know that God teaches to be loving, understanding, compassionate, service minded, leaders in our communities? Are we forgiving of others and ourselves? If we are not doing these things how can we become more intentional in what we do and say? How can we be more Christlike towards those around us so they may realize that there's something different in a good way and want to know what that difference is? Are we always striving to be the best friend, family member, and neighbor that we can be? In what ways can we improve. I challenge you to ask yourself these questions to become a better disciple of God's, after all that we have comes from God. 

Hard times allow us to become the best version of ourselves!

 I have been thinking lately on the savior. He never had an easy life so if we want to become like him then how can we expect to do so? The savior was born in a barn because there wasn't room in the inn for the savior. He lived in a desert. There was little to no water and so he would have lived his life working on finding water each day. He worked with his hands each day. Heavenly father depended on him to be perfect and always do the right thing no matter how hard it was to do so. He was expected to put everyone ahead of himself. He was expected to learn everything from God to help those around him. He had to leave his professional life in order to do the will of heavenly parents. He had to teach others to lead the church when he would no longer be here to do so. He performed miracles every day of his life and yet people still hated him. He starved himself in order to teach us how to give all things to the Lord. He bled from every pore of his body in love of each one of us. He died on the cross so we could all be risen again one day. In the final hour of his life even heavenly father turned his back on him so he could finish the atonement. Yet while he was on the cross he taught us how to forgive. So the next time we want to complain about we are going through, hopefully we will remember that if the greatest man who ever lived on earth had to go through so much in order to become the savior may we remember that we will have to go through our own trails to become the best version of ourselves. It will never be easy, but we have something Christ didn't have, we will never have to face anything alone so long as we allow Christ to help us he will. 

Everyone is God's children

 I had a very interesting conversation with one of God's sons tonight. Not only did it feel like I was talking to my brother who I miss horribly every day of my life, but I could tell that this son needed to hear what I had to say. I felt like we all need to be reminded of this from time to time so we don't forget or to come to understand the truth more clearly. 

We are all God's children, I don't care how far you are from living the gospel. I don't care if you are straight, gay, or whatever you are still a child of God who deserves to be loved and accepted. We can accept people as they are without agreeing with them on everything. I mean even some of my closest friends I don't agree with 100 percent of the time, but it doesn't stop me from loving them. So if you are judging those around you instead of loving them please stop. We all need to be reminded of our worth, because even the strongest of us struggle with life at times. 

If you have gone off the covenants path and feel like you are failing or are so gone that you can't come back know a few things. First, you are a child of God who has more worth and power than you can ever imagine! Second, it doesn't matter what you have done in the past, because we all have sinned. God says that church is a hospital and if that's true then that means not a single person who goes is perfect. Third, the savior has already taken care of anything we may have done in the past. It doesn't mean go and sin, but it does mean there's a way back for everyone who wants to come back. Please realize we need everyone at church, I don't care if you are living the gospel or if you are living a life that is hurting yourself as well as others. After all coming to Christ is the best way to live a good life that you can be proud of. Lastly please as this has been brought up by a few people I know who says that they feel like members are judgemental please remember to reach out, to love, to accept and like I said accepting a person doesn't mean that you agree with them. Even if you disagree with their lifestyle there's no reason to be a hater and say things that will hurt another. 

What do you believe?

 In my philosophy class, the other day we discussed if we believe in God, why, or why not? We aso discussed the fact that there's three different types of people. The first, theist believe in a god in some form. Second, you have atheist who believe that God does not exist. Finally, you have agnostic who believe that they don't have enough knowledge to support either way so they lean towards God doesn't exist, but you give them more knowledge and they would change their minds. 

In theist there's so many ways to believe in God. Do you believe that he is an active part in our lives? That God not only hears prayers, but answers them? If God answers prayers does he preform miracles in our lives that there's no other way to explain but to say God did this and did it for me? You have to ask yourself these questions and then go to the right sources for the answers to some of life's hardest questions. 

For myself I have asked these questions and many others. As I have searched for the answers to the questions I have what I have found is my testimony is strengthed. Answers don't come overnight at least didn't for me, but with time and working on the the answers and getting to know God they did come. So if you are struggling right now with your testimony it's ok because for me it took leaving the church for a while. Having periods when I would be active and then be inactive. So many prayers and searching the scriptures and conference talks that I finally found my testimony. If you are struggling with a child, siblings, friends, or parents leaving the church don't lose hope for their return in this life or the next. God wants to bless each of us, but many of his blessings only come from living the gospel. I have found hope and a light for my life. I have found that there's a future ahead of me that I'm only beginning to see. 

My testimony is that I know, not believe, but know that I have heavenly parents who love me even more than my earthly parents do. That I have a divine worth and future ahead of me that I'm only beginning to see. I have power that comes from living the covenants I have made with my father in heaven. The more I see myself clearly the more my heart goes out to those around me, because I start to see them the way God sees them. I know that Joseph went to the grove to pray to God to know which church to join. He was told none of them as they only had a portion of the truth and that Joseph would be the one who would restore all of the truth to the earth. God has told us to pray, work for, and expect miracles in our lives. As I have headed the prophets I have been blessed ten fold. I know that as God removes something in our lives what he's really doing is making room for something even better. I know that even having the desire to want to believe is so important and has more power than we can imagine. My testimony comes from my own experiences, prayers that have been answered, questions that I did the work and went to the right sources to know for myself. We are a church of questions that bring about revelation so if you don't know if the church is true or you have questions I challenge you to pray about it then go read scriptures and conference talks. I know if you will do these things that you will come to know yourself. 

If you are struggling because a loved one has left I would say continue to pray for them. Love them as they are now. Pray for things to change in their lives. Don't lose hope because we know that God has said that heaven will be more glorious than we can imagine. Last of all, remember God loves them even more than you ever can so leave it in his loving hands. 

What does knowledge really mean to you?

I always thought that learning always looked the same. That either you learned or you failed. Today in philosophy I learned that knowledge is always different, because you can have ten people in the same class and each person will learn something different. The more effort we put into learning and becoming our best self the more we will get out of our lives. The more we truly forgive and forget the more people who will forgive you. The more you serve others and forget about yourself the more friendships you will form. When it's you who is struggling more people will be there for you usually. When you brighten another person's life the more your own life will be brighter. It doesn't always work this way but I would say more times than not it will. So if you are struggling or wondering how you can have a better life get outside of yourself, look for the small things to be grateful for, the small victories in your life, and strengthen the friendships you have in your life. I promise as you do so you will find that your life gets better! 

Show ourselves grace and forgiveness

 In a world that teaches us that we are never enough may we learn instead to show ourselves grace. Maybe we are not perfect, but that's ok so long as we are doing our best. Life is hard enough don't make it any harder than it needs to be. Forgive yourself for your short comings. It's truly part of seeing the worth we have as children of God! We are enough to God just the way we are, so that should mean we are enough to ourselves as well. 

Ways to show love to God!

 I show my love by serving his children, 

I show my love by standing up for what I believe, 

I show my love by going to the temple as often as I can, 

I show my love by using my talents and gifts to bring others to Christ, 

I show my love by forgiving all things and giving them to God, 

I show my love by going to school so I can bring healing to his children, 

I show my love by giving myself grace as I learn to be better each day, 

I show my love to God in all that I do each day, 

How do you show your love to the one who will never leave your side? 

Growth is uncomfortable, but necessary

 When we get out of our comfort zone that's usually when we grow the most. When we grow in our faith in challenging times that's when our knowledge increases. As our faith and knowledge increase that is often times how we get closer to God. As we get closer to God we will start to see ourselves and others in a more compassionate way. As we start to be more compassionate we start to serve more. As we serve more the happier we become. It's a cycle that is always repeating itself, but it starts with being uncomfortable or by going through a hard time. 

Get outside of our comfort zone

 "You can't discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore" author unknown. I take this quote to mean we are going to find new growth, new places, or new people unless we go outside of our comfort zone. Of course it's hard to do so, because it's going outside of what we know. It's not impossible, and what we gain by doing so is more amazing than we can ever imagine! 

This past year I have gone out of my comfort zone in almost every way. I have gotten a new job, moved to a new state, gotten a new car, a new phone, and started a journey in my education. So what have I gained as I have gotten out of my comfort in every possible way? I have gained a new me who is more confident. A person who has learned that even if something feels impossible right now, it doesn't mean it is. Sometimes what we need to do is get on our knees to ask for his help in whatever we are struggling with. So I challenge you to get out of your comfort zone to go after the things you have always wanted. 

Acting on faith!

 It's been an interesting journey though school so far. Yesterday I was in my philosophy class we got talking about how most things we think we know has no hard facts to it and is based on faith. After all how do we know something and most things is because somebody told us no matter if it was by written word or spoken word. You look at history and nobody ever met these historical people, nobody who lives now lived during the events from history so it's not a hard fact it's based on the words of the past which many times is an opinion and not unbiased so we can't know for sure. The knowledge that we have is on faith. Faith that the sources are true. 

The discussion got me thinking about the questions that were asked to form the church of Jesus Christ of latter-day saints. How do we really know that Joseph went to the grove to ask God? How do we know that God appeared to Joseph? How do we know the book of Mormon is true? How do we even know that there's a God? How do we know that God loves us? How do we know that we are his child and as such he loves us? I never realized just how much we are a church of not only questions but of faith. It's our faith in God that will never fall even if everything else does. We need faith in order to live the gospel. We need faith in order to know things not only in the church but any knowledge requires faith. 

There's truly hardly anything that is 100 percent fact. Even our parentage there's no prove other than what our parents tell us. Then we exercise faith and trust in our parents to believe that they are our parents. Even DNA is not 100 percent fact, it's close to it but not a hard fact. So everything we think we know is based on faith. Yet we know that God is a hard fact and he knows everything. It's such comfort to know that I don't have to trust in what I have been told because I can ask God and he will reveal the truth to me. I never realized just how much of a comfort that really is until class yesterday. I have a feeling that I am going to be questioning things I never would have if not for this class. So I challenge you to ask God the questions you have and then exercise faith in God that he not only will lead you to answers but as he does your knowledge will increase. I can't wait to see the person I am after this semester because I have a feeling that I'm not going to be the same person and that makes me so excited for this journey to more revelation. An opportunity to increase my faith and trust in God. 

Follow your dreams!

 For years I have thought about going back to school to become a therapist, but I kept on telling myself all of the reasons why I couldn't. As long as I continued to tell myself such I was right. When I started to see myself the way the Lord did it made me realize that I was more powerful than I thought I was and that meant that I could do most things in this life with the right attitude. The more I prayed to know what the Lord saw in me the more I realized just how amazing I really was and how many things I could do. I may only be in my first semester of school but I know that no matter how hard it becomes I can do it, because I am not doing it on my own. I have the power that comes from prayer. So if you have a dream that you want to do I promise you can accomplish it with the help of God no matter how many things are in your way. After all if my sister who has small children, a full time job, a house can find the time to go to school I know that anyone can find the time to go after their own dreams. I'm not saying it will be easy, but I am saying that with God's help anything is possible. After all impossible spells I'm possible with the Lord's help. 

In my psychology class yesterday my professor put up a quote that has gotten me thinking since. "There's no secret to success, it's the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failures" general Colin Powell said such. Just like there was a lot of things I had to do just to start school no matter what we want or our dreams might be there's usually prep work we have to do. Then we have to work hard as if everything was on us and pray like everything was on God as we do such we will find the strength to do what we need to do so that our dreams can become a reality. We have to learn from our failures or I would put it the times it hadn't gone well. If we learn from our failures they were never failures, but stepping stones to what we want to be in life. 

My challenge today is figure out what you want to be in life then make it a reality. Anything worth anything won't be easy, but with the help of God it will be possible. So don't tell yourself that it will never be because that thought will stop you and hold you back instead ask yourself what needs to happen to make my dreams a reality. If my sister can make her dreams happen I know that anyone can it just make you work harder than most but never give up hope for a brighter future and what you want it to look like. Don't give up and if you need a push or extra support know that I am happy to help in anyway I can. May the Lord bless us in our paths and may our paths lead us to be closer to God. 

The Lord wants to bless us!

 There's sunshine in my soul today, 

There's healing in my soul today, 

There's understanding in my soul today, 

There's peace in my soul today, 

There's pure joy in my soul today, 

There's hope in my soul today, 

There's second chances in my life today, 

These things come from putting the savior in the center of our lives,

These things will be given to you so long as you put the savior in the center of your life, 

In the middle of trails we will find these things because the savior wants to give these things to you but are you going to take them? 

The choice will and always has been yours to take, 

The savior is begging you to allow him to bless you, 

May not happen overnight, but I promise as you center your life on the savior it will happen just give it time. 

Everything goes back to primary answers

 What are primary answers? Reading our scriptures, going to church, pretaking the sacrament, going to the temple. These things may be so small but they keep building into great things. May we take a minute to see if we are doing these small things and if not may we do better each day. These things may seem small and we may feel like we don't have time in our busy lives but I promise that as you make time to do these we will build a foundation that will last no matter the storms that may come into our lives. The savior needs to be the center of our lives when he becomes the center we are given peace, healing, and happiness that we otherwise wouldn't have. 

Life is hard but beautiful!

 I have come to realize that life has many ups and downs, twists and turns, heartbreak but love, joy but sadness, beauty but ugliness. I have come to understand that what we see is what our world becomes. We don't get many things we want but we will always get what we need. So how do we see beauty in the asses of our lives? 

Are we always trying to look for the positive, lessons, ways we can uplift others, the beauty that God has created? Or are we stuck in a mindset that only sees the negative, trails we are facing, the ways that God not being in our lives, the ugliness? Whatever we put our focus and faith is what we will find. Being positive doesn't mean that you don't break for a time or question why me God because in the middle of a trail that is all we are going to see. But how long do we stay there? How long before we start believing that maybe even in this hard time there's still beauty all around us. God never left us to struggle on our own in fact when we place our faith in him he will carry us during those times we just can't. 

I promise there's hope, light, and beauty no matter how dark it seems now. Don't forget that life is hard but it's so beautiful as we turn our lives to God. No matter how dark it seems now there's joy that will come. If we allow the hard times to bring hope, light, blessings, and a beauty that God will those trying times to help us become more beautiful than we can ever imagine. Don't lose hope please no matter how dark today is. 

Moving forward

 Today I was thinking as I was talking to a advisor at my school to sign up for classes that would start on Monday. I realized that the only thing that matters is what happens today and going forward so my future. That God has given me this second chance at my life and I am the one who gets to determine what it looks like. 

I could take all of the crap that has happened in my past and keep holding onto them or learn from them and be grateful for the person it's made me. As I start a new chapter in my life I know that the blessings that comes from letting go is more amazing than anything the Lord could give me. I have struggled with my health but now I am healthy what a blessing. I have gone through so many break-ups but each time I come back stronger than before. I have power that I wouldn't have if not for the things I have gone through how amazing! I am so grateful for this opportunity to go to school to become even more successful and get ahead in life. 

So if you are feeling stuck right now look at how you are treating yourself and your past. Are you holding yourself back because you can't or won't forgive and let the past go? Are you turning towards God instead of turning bitter and angry? Are you able to look at the past hard times to be grateful for the person and lessons you learned? I promise as you forgive and let go blessings will come that you never would have imagined possible. After all God wants us what is best for us. All things are for our good even they might have destroyed us for a time. Remember that God won't take away your agency or the agency of another and trails may come into our lives because of it but as we learn to forgive we will gain strength, courage, and power into our lives to bless us. 

Blessings that comes from serving

 I have found that the blessings that come from getting outside of ourselves to serve those around us far out weigh the sacrifice that is required to do so. It goes against our very nature to serve others when we are struggling ourselves, yet there's a reason why both of the great commandments talk about love. Love requires effort, sacrifice, and thinking about the other ahead of yourself, and going against the natural man that is inside of each of us. 

I didn't start to learn this lesson on how to truly love others until almost two years ago when I was called to be the compassionate service leader in my ward while I was very sick and was in the process of figuring out why I kept passing out. I was determined that every sister in the ward would know that I loved them and I would get to know the needs that each sister had so I got to work. I to this day don't know if the service i gave and the visits and texts I made a difference in the lives I was trying to serve but it made a difference in mine. 

I was given power that I know came because I was forcing myself to get outside of myself and serve. Somehow I was able to keep going to work which is a miracle in itself when I think about everything that was going on. I was finally led to the right doctor who though many tests, time on his part, and a determination that he was going to get to the bottom of things found the answer to what was going on. He found that I had 15 tumors in my ovaries and at least half were cancerous. But because of them finding the cancer so early on I was fine after they were removed and I healed from the infection that happened due to the surgery. I was finally healthy after years of struggles with my health. As my hormones got stable my depression started to get better. Somehow God blessed me because I was focused on his children at a time that I was struggling so much myself. I know that God will bless us as we serve his children around us. So if you are struggling get outside of yourself and serve someone else I promise you will be helping yourself in the process every time. 

Faith is an action word

 Faith requires effort, but it is also the very thing that will move the mountains in our lives no matter how large they are. Faith is how miracles come, even though miracles may not happen in the timing we want or the way we expect. Faith is trusting the Lord even when we don't know how they will happen. Faith requires patience. Faith is an action word meaning we are doing something. Faith even as small as a seed can grow to become as big as a tree with care and action. 

I have come to realize that faith in my savior has been how I have been able to forgive and give things to the Lord to do with it as he seems fit. Faith is how I have gotten through such darkness and suicidal thoughts to become hopeful for a brighter future ahead of me. My faith is how I got though a brain tumor, throwing up everyday for three years, it's how I got though finding out that I had cancer. My faith is how I became pregnant when I was told I never would and I know that it will be my faith that will bring a healthy child into this world although it will take many miracles for it to happen. It's my faith that tells me that I can do well in school to become successful even though school has always been challenging for me. Its faith that tells me that God is a god of promises and miracles so if he promises us something it will happen in his timing. 

So next time you start to doubt the faith you have in the savior or in the gospel please take a minute to doubt your doubts. Satan knows what is in store for us and how to stop us from the things God has in store for us. So we have to use the faith that we have no matter how small to fight the doubts Satan will put into our lives to get us off track. But I promise that as you conquer your doubts with your faith that you have that blessings will come into your life that you never could have imagined. So if you are struggling please get on your knees to pray for strength, faith, and courage to continue on the path. If you have questions great go to the scriptures and conference talks to get your answers to the things you are wondering. After all we are a church of questions and they need to continue so that revelation will continue. There is nothing wrong about questions just do the work to get the answers you stand in need of. Go to the right sources for the answer you are seeking and I promise you that your faith will continue to grow. 

A higher joy and law

 If you have not yet read a higher joy from this past conference from Uchtdorf. His talk is where I get my blog from and is an amazing read that can help us in our lives. 

He talks about the wright brothers invented flying and the joys from going higher. There's everlasting joy and happiness that can come into our lives by living the gospel even the higher law. Many feel like the gospel is too hard to live with too many laws that are hard to live. After all why do we need to pay a tenth of what we own when the church doesn't need it? Why do we need to serve in the church after all most churches pay people who serve in the church why not ours? Why should we go and do missionary work? Why do hard things happen to those who live the gospel to the fullest? Why should we spend time in the temple? Why forgive and give things to the Lord? Why should we always be modest when it's so hot or hard to find things that are modest? Why the word of wisdom? Why so many rules and how can they bring joy and happiness into our lives? 

I have come to understand that all of the rules God has given to us all bring us to two things that are centered on love. Either we have the rules so we can show love to God and his children around us. Or the second reason is because God loves us and wants to protect us from being hurt. When we learn that every law or rule God has comes from love it will help us see those things in a way that makes it easier to follow. He is not a controlling God he has given us our agency as such it's our choice to follow God. But he does love us and knows what will be for our benefit so may we learn to see things in a different way to not only make it easier to follow but also brings blessings that we can never imagine. 

Flying was risky in those early days. The brothers knew this. And so did their father, Milton. In fact, he was so terrified of losing both of his sons in a flying accident that they promised him they would never fly together. And they never did—with one exception. Seven years after that historic day at Kitty Hawk, Milton Wright finally gave his consent and watched as Wilbur and Orville flew together for the first time. After landing, Orville convinced his father to take his first and only flight and to see for himself what it was like. As the plane lifted from the ground, the 82-year-old Milton got so caught up in the exhilaration of flight that all fear left him. Orville rejoiced as his father shouted with delight, “Higher, Orville, higher!”

Just as there was joy in flying higher I promise there's joy in living the gospel or the higher law. Not just by being a Sunday Mormon because they are not living the gospel but for those who honestly do their best to live the gospel. We are given comfort in times that would otherwise break us. Hope in times where we feel are hopeless. Joy that all things are for our good especially when we might not see it with our mortal eyes at the moment. Eternal joy that will never be taken no matter how unfair life might be. God wants to bless us with joy and happiness that we can never describe or imagine but are we willing to give all things to him? To realize that as we are given things that break us that seems so unfair that we can trust that he knows what will bring us to a higher, holier, happier place in life now and into the eternities. 

Thank you God

 This is a poem that I made while I was in sacrament meeting today during a musical number. I hope you can feel the spirit that I felt as I share. This is my first poem I have ever wrote. 

O Lord, thank you for getting me though tough waters, 

Thank you for never giving up on me even when I gave up on myself, 

Thank you for the gift of the atonement, even forgiving me when I have wronged, 

Thank you for helping me forgive hard things to bring healing and peace, 

Thank you for second Chances even when I might not deserve it, 

Thank you for hope in the midst of darkness,

Thank you for prayer and the power that comes from it, 

Thank you for temples that I can obtain blessings that never end,

Thank you for hard times that made me cry that I might be polished and a better person, 

Thank you for bad times that I might appreciate when good times come,

Thank you for giving me gifts and talents that I might bless your children, 

Thank you for giving me lessons that I might become like you, 

Thank you for all that you have given me to show the love that you have for me and those around me, 

May I never stop being grateful for all that you have given to me, I love you! 

We can do hard things

 I went to the temple today to pray about a trail that only a select few know about. I am in a waiting period of my life and it has been hard. There are times I don't understand how or why this thing is the will of the Lord but I know it is. 

As I went to the temple to pray about this trail this thought came into my mind that there's hope even in hard times. There's hope in the savior. Hope in a bright future because of the temple and the covenants we can make in there. Hope that no matter what happens in this life one day it will be made right. Hope in the trails no matter how hard they might seem today. 

The savior has nor never will abandon us and so long as we have him we can do all things. I look at the pioneers and all they went through. Why would a loving father have them go through so much? What did they learn? Their faith became unstoppable. They saw miracles happen when all things seemed lost. They learned how to help those around them even when they were struggling. The Lord strength came into not only their lives but in the church and all those who would come into the kingdom. We still to this day gain faith, courage, and strength from them. 

Why did Joseph of Egypt have to be taken away from his family and sold into slavery? All he had done is tell his brothers a dream he had, what was wrong with being honest? As we are told Joseph was put into a situation though many trails to save not only Egypt but many people from starving. He was taken from his family so that at a later date he could save them. Joseph was so successful even as a slave that he became second in command with the Savior's help and power. The Lord had a larger picture than Joseph could have ever had imagined. If our father saw the bigger picture with Joseph why not with the trails we go through? I promise just like God never left Joseph he will never leave us to go through our trails alone so long as we do what we need to. 

Think eternal

 As we learn to think eternal even our trying times become for our good. We learn that the things that truly matter are the things that will last forever. Our families, knowledge, our faith, and the memories we are able to make. We learn that our trails are given to us because God wants to polish us and he trusts us enough to go through those things to become a brighter and better person. So let's learn what truly matters because the world is often wrong. We have the power to make this world such a better place for everyone as we focus on those things that are eternal. 

God's blessings come

 For over the past year I had been praying that Alex and his family could also heal. That I wouldn't lose such great people in my life. That I might understand why it was in God's will that I had to experience another divorce. I asked for the courage to start following my dreams. To see myself the way God sees me. 

It took a year and more tears than I care to admit. It has been the hardest two years of my life. Yet I am starting to see miracles that I never imagined would come into my life. Alex and his are healing and coming to terms with such a hard trail that came into all of our lives. I have gained Alex back in my life as such a great friend who has helped me believe in my dreams. He's agreed to help me with a few things that I am working on. I am still trying to understand why there can be two great people who are not meant to be together. I have had the courage and strength to start working on things I have thought about doing since my senior year of high school. I am starting to see this amazing person who has always been there just buried under self doubt and hatred for the world around me. 

I am now praying for certain things that I know will come into my life in the right time for me. Pray does change the situations in our lives. It doesn't happen over night and at times might feel like a huge trail in our lives but I promise God's blessings and answers will come in the right time for us. So if you are in the middle of a trail don't give up and get on your knees to pray to God. He is there and he loves each of you in ways that we can't fully understand while on this earth. All things are really for our good especially the hard things in our lives. It's more than ok to feel what you feel because just because they are for our good doesn't mean that they don't hurt and make us question things about ourselves and the world around us. Don't give up hope that the blessings you seek will one day come to you. 

What we tell ourselves is what we become

 I have to realize that what I tell myself is what I become. For years I told myself that I was a failure, had nothing to offer, was a burden to those who loved me, couldn't do hard things, was a victim of so many things. So what did I become? I became a failure in everything that I tried. I had nothing to offer because I didn't use my gifts for the good of others. I became a burden because I kept holding myself back from helping those around me. I couldn't get out of bed most days to do anything productive with my days. I stopped trying the moment things became hard because I felt like I couldn't do hard things. I became a victim of the things that I had gone through. I became suicidal and depressed. I became anxious just thinking about going out of my house. So what happened when I changed what I told myself? 

When I changed my thoughts to I could do anything with the help of God. I am a survivor of many hard times and things. I am a beloved daughter of God who has devine power from God on high. I am going to go after my dreams and stop holding myself back from the things I want in life. I don't have to be anything but me because I am amazing. I make this world a better place because I'm alive. I have learned from my past to become successful in life. My failures are stepping stones to having a successful life. When I started to change the words I told myself I started to think those things. My thoughts became my actions. My actions are slowly becoming who I am as a person. 

If I can change what I told myself to stop holding myself back I know that you guys are capable of so much more than we ever could have imagined. I know that everyone is a child of God who has more worth and power than anyone can imagine. So let's stop holding ourselves back from the things we really want in life. Let's stop allowing Satan to lie to us and let's stop believing his lies. Let's instead learn to think positive and realize we shape our future by the words we tell ourselves. We are enough to God then we should be enough to ourselves. God loves us so much that he bleed from every pore and died on the cross so let's take those things to realize who we have always been. Let's change so others around us change for the positive. We really can change this world by starting to get to our full selves! Let's dare to tell ourselves and those around us positive things to shape this world to one of power and strength. 

Forgiveness is for us

 I want to share a story and a lesson I have learned the way in life. For those who don't know I have had two divorces and I reacted differently in both of them. My first husband was very abusive and controlling. I had been warned from people not to even date let alone marry. I was 19 and thought I knew everything until the night that I didn't and started looking for a way out. Miracles happened the next day to get me out and into my way back home to Utah. After the divorce I had a hard time forgiving Kenny for what he had done. I had also had a hard time forgiving myself for not listening to the people around me who was there the day everything came crushing down around me. My lack of forgiveness turned me into a bitter and angry person who ended up losing so much peace because of it. 

My second divorce just happened but this time I decided to do the hard things and forgive and seek healing for everyone involved. I turned to prayer, scriptures, and conference talks as a way to heal. What I learned and gained came because I not only forgave but I turned towards God to comfort me. It didn't happen right away and believe me there were more tears than I ever thought a person was capable of. I learned how to truly love because of the divorce. I learned God does preform miracles we never imagined possible. I learned that as we forgive our hearts turn towards God who wraps his arms around us to heal us. I'm becoming friends with my ex husband and I know that even though I know things worked out the way they needed to that miracles happened to help both of us to heal because this time I forgave and turned towards God. So do yourself a favor and forgive. Let things go and give them to God. Most of the time it's not easy to forgive when a person hurts us so much but there's power in forgiveness and God has never asked us to forgive on our own. He will be there every step of the way as we trust God and forgive. 

Get outside of ourselves

 When we are struggling we usually want to stay within ourselves and keep to our comfort zone. The only problem with that when we are struggling is the things we tend to want to do is usually the things that will hurt or numb us further. When we are struggling we need to get outside of ourselves and serve. 

When I was going through the worst year of my life I was called to be the compassionate service leader in my ward. It forced me to forget about the trails I was going through and get to work serving the sisters in my ward. As I got outside of myself two things started to happen. First I made friends with the sisters, some of which I am still friends with to this day. The second thing that happened was my trails seemed to become easier to handle. They didn't go away and they were still hard but I was given strength that I know I wouldn't have had otherwise. So if you are struggling get outside of yourself and find someone who you can serve. 

There's always hope

 After such a hard two years of my life I have had miracles come into my life that I never imagined would come. I finally have a car again and it's the nicest car I have ever owned. I'm starting school on the 19th of this month and for the first time I believe I can do school and I'm smart enough to do so. After months of praying that God would not only help me heal but help my ex husband heal we talked for the first time since everything and are going to try to stay friends. I have been able to do this blog, write my book, and start making my dreams a reality. Sometimes we have to go through our hardest times in life to get the miracles we never could have imagined. 

Today on my way to church I was paying attention to the spirit as did so I realized how many butterflies went by. To me butterflies always remind me there's hope, especially in times I honestly believe are dark without a spark of light. I realized that I had tried to do the hard things even though it was hard and doing so I had gained so many miracles the last little while. So if you are going through a hard time remember a few things first things always have a way to get worse before they get better so don't lose hope. Second your attitude is often times the only thing you have control of so pray for the Lord to help you stay positive and kind even when it's hard to do so. Third remember that things do get better so don't lose hope for the future. Fourth God gives us as many chances as we need to get things right so failures are ok so long as we are always doing better. Please don't lose hope for brighter days if you are going through a hard time right now. 

Should we be different or fit in?

 Yesterday I had to go to school to take a placement test for my college that I will be attending. Apart of the test was writing an essay about should we be unique or go with society? It got me thinking about so much. Should we just go with the flow or should we be different and stand out? 

I started to realize that we wouldn't be America without those from history and now if they hadn't dared to stand out and be different. When our founding fathers signed they didn't know if we would win or not. They had no idea how things were going to pan out. What they did know was they had no official army or government, they had little to no weapons. They were outnumbered by a lot. They were going against the most powerful country at the time. If they signed and they lost they would lose everything! They would lose their wealth, their good name, their land, they would likely be killed. So knowing what they knew why did they sign, after all it had to have been so scary knowing what they knew? They signed because in spite of everything they knew they were doing the right thing. Many times in life doing the right thing will be the hardest thing we could ever do, but it's still right. As we do what is right God will bless us. After all God did bless our struggling country because of our founding fathers. They did win and God prepared a country and people who would restore the gospel. 

What would have happened if Rosa Parks hadn't refused to get up for a white person to sit? It was law for those who were colored to give up their seats to those who were white. Laws were not fair or equal in her day. Society was very wrong but she made a choice that landed her in jail. Why did she do it knowing that it was law? Was it that she was lazy or was there something more at play? I honestly believe that she was standing up for herself and those who were thought as less in society. Martin Luther King Jr taught to stand up but do it in a peaceful manner. His speach I have a dream has gone down in history because in a day and society that he was viewed as less he stood up in a peaceful manner. He never got mean even though he was treated as trash instead what he wanted was peace and fairness for everyone. May we stand up for what we believe no matter how hard it might be to do so. May we be leaders in our communities. May we never be ashamed to be ourselves and to bring hope and the savior in such a dark world.

Hope even in mental illness

 I have struggled with mental illness since I was 12 years old. It started with depression from an event where someone I trusted hurt me in a way that took me over ten years to fully heal from. That turned to anxiety and suicidal thoughts. That turned to suicidal attempts. That turned to me being diagnosed with PTSD. It turned worse when I married a man who I had been warned about but hadn't listened. He turned very abusive and controlling. He went as far to making problems between me and my family and the night I left I ended up in the hospital. Then I became angry and bitter towards God. I just had my second divorce before the age of 30 that was the turning point for me that I honestly needed. 

I have come to realize that all things are for our good especially the hard trails of our lives and there's always hope even when we don't feel it. For 17 years I struggled in ways I can never describe fully. As I look back I can see all of these tender mercies of a loving father who never left even though I thought he had. He led me to events where I met the kindest people who believed I could heal and have a bright future no matter my past. The savior would carry me when I couldn't even get out of bed and couldn't see a reason to keep living. God would send someone to me in the moment of such depression that I was seconds away from ending my life. He would inspire people to check in on me in my darkest of nights. He sent me my second husband who didn't give up on me until I had learned how to love myself and believe there was a reason for me to be on this planet. 

After my second divorce I felt like all hope had left. But even though this hard time I have come to realize that God never left me. He prepared me for the divorce months before it happened. He allowed me to stay on friendly terms with my ex's family which is very rare after a divorce, even though in the middle of the divorce there was some rocky moments. He helped me get a healthy life and finding out answers to why I had been so sick for so many years. He gave me back my sister who I lost after marrying my first husband. He gave me hope that things would get better. He gave me back friends who I had missed for years who by some miracle missed me as well. He gave me a second chance at life. Through much prayers I found that I had lied to myself for years. I am a beloved daughter of God who has more worth and power in myself than I ever imagined possible. My life does matter and I make this world a better place because I'm here. So long as I do my best I'm enough to God just like I am. I have the courage and strength to follow my dreams and goals in life. 

So if you are going through a mental illness or you are simply going through a hard time remember a few things. First you are a child of God and he loves you even if you don't see it right now. Second you are amazing and make this world a beautiful place because you are here. Third of you are doing your best that's all God asks. It's ok if your best is simply getting up to take a shower. Fourth of you need rest take it but then get up and remember you can do hard things. Fiveth it takes courage to admit you are struggling and need help. Sixth please reach out for help. Remember even if you don't see it right now there are people who want to help. There's professional help available and it's ok to reach out to them for the help you need. Seventh don't be ashamed that you are struggling. Even if you feel like your life is perfect it's very possible that there's a chemical problem and it's still ok to feel what you do. Last of all I promise if you go to God in prayer he will carry you through these moments until you can stand on your own again. God has never left us to go through trails on our own. We may leave him but the moment we come back he is there with his hands reaching out to us.