Forgiving something you never thought you could 

 

Since 2015 I have been carrying this weight with me that I did not realize what it was called, I could not move on or forgive what had happened to me. In 2015 I had married a man who treated me like dirt and that was putting it mildly. He was very abusive in every way imaginable, and I honestly thought that I could never learn how to forgive him for all that he had done to me or what it had done to my family. Then I learned that forgiving was not what I thought it was. My entire life I had been taught that forgiveness was a commandment of God and yes of course I read in Nephi where it states that God does not give any commandment to the children of men, unless he gives them a means to accomplish and follow the commandment, but how could I keep this commandment? Did he deserve to be forgiven? What he had done was unforgivable correct? I would receive no blessing by forgiving him? I also could not forgive a man who still haunted my dreams or effected my marriage to my amazing husband could I?  

 

T then I realized thanks to an amazing woman that forgiveness was not what I thought it was and I could forgive and let go of the past. I would need power from on high and a sweet husband who would be willing to let me cry and vent as I tried to overcome this and be able to learn how to forgive. I soon realized that forgiving was not for my ex as much as it was for me and my husband and future children. I was the one who had been weighed down for so long as I forgave the more comfort and peace I felt in my own life. I can now look at something like my first marriage with gratitude in my heart. I learned how to be strong, how to be grateful for my sweet husband I am now married to and the future we will have, I have gained compassion for those who have gone through the same or worse, I have gained strength and empathy for those around me and although it was hard and took me many years to learn that by letting go and forgiving I am setting myself free.  

 

I will never be the same person; I think that is a wonderful thing. I can now look towards the past to realize how far I have come and what a person I have become because of the things I have gone through. Although I would not want to go through those things with my ex, I am grateful for the person it turned me into. I am now working towards regaining myself and finding the person behind all the hurt and bitterness that became me. I am grateful to the lord for helping me get a calling that helped me realize that I needed to be better to have his spirit be more with me. I honestly feel like the more I live the gospel especially the hard parts of the gospel the more I am blessed. The lord never said it would be easy, he only said that it would be worth it in the end. The lord never said that we would need to live the gospel by ourselves either, indeed we had the help of the savior to live the gospel. I know I would never have been able to move on if it was not for the help of the savior. The more I prayed the easier it became to let things go and I no longer had to carry the weight.  

I came to learn that by forgiving and letting go I was setting myself up for the future. How amazing it is that the lord gives us commandments to help us. I also came to realize that with atonement I could do things that I always thought were impossible. The word Impossible really does spell I am possible and anything is possible with hard work and the saviors help. The reason that the lord wanted me to forgive was not for the other person, even my ex, as much as it was for me and my family. Now I can put my energy and focus on the future and how amazing is it that the energy I was wasting can now be put to too effective use in my home? 

I am so grateful for the miracle of forgiveness not only for myself but for those who have or will wrong me. I can testify that it leads to happiness and the more I live the gospel to the key the more I come to realize that the gospel really does lead to happiness in this life as well as the life hereafter.